A Year of Waiting

by Kim on August 30, 2015 · 39 comments

A friend emailed me the other day. Kim, she wrote, I think I somehow got deleted from your mailing list. I haven’t received a blog update in a really long time. Another friend emailed about her upcoming adventures. There are just so many placesHey, that’s the name of someone’s long neglected blog.

I know, I know. It’s been awhile.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down to write a blog post over the past months. I’ve got so many drafts on my desktop that I’ve started to name them ‘ANOTHER BLOG POST I WON’T PUBLISH V. 12.’

When Brian and I settled in Mexico almost 10 months ago I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish there. I wanted to write my book proposal, find an agent and sell my book. And Brian and I wanted to have a baby. The entire thing felt far-fetched. The book was the culmination of years of work but I had no idea if I could sell it. The chances felt small. And as far as the baby went, we’d managed to make it into our mid-30’s and through 7 years of marriage without conceiving one. Now that we hoped for one was it even possible?

And then everything happened at once. Within two months of our arrival in Mexico I had a book proposal, I’d signed with an agent, and one morning I looked down upon a stick that told me I was embarazada.

pregnancy test

Then I spent the next few hours on Google Translate just to make sure.

It was an exciting month.

But then I began to get sick. I was throwing up 24-hours a day. I was dizzy, bed-bound and miserable. I spent the entire first trimester of my pregnancy horizontal. It was 90 degrees in Mexico and humid. We didn’t have air conditioning. We didn’t have a car, either, so if I wanted to leave the apartment I had to walk 20-minutes into town. I’d spend the entire walk dry-heaving into the bushes like a cat with a hairball. Finally I pulled my head out of the toilet and said to Brian, get me out of here. I just wanted a soft place to land. I wanted comfort and familiar food and climate control and a shower with reliable hot water. I wanted to go home.

Sayulita, Mexico

A blurry photo from one of my rare walks into town. It’s kind of hard to believe that my stomach was ever so flat. 

So home we came. And I have spent the past 5 months in daily solitude, working on my book (hopefully I will be able to give you an update on this soon) and growing a baby. In fact, she’s due in just two weeks and I am currently a gigantic whale of a human.

38 weeks pregnant

Only two weeks to go! Those pants I have on in the photo from Mexico I now cannot get past my knees.

I thought I would write about my pregnancy on the blog. But growing this life inside of me feels incredibly personal in a way that nothing else ever has. I feel very protective of the entire experience. It’s hard for me to explain because I don’t quite understand it myself. Maybe it’s best to say that instead of projecting my energy out into the world, like normal, I’ve found myself projecting it inward, towards the baby. The past 9 months I’ve felt like I’ve been curled in a cocoon, beating away the outside world, preparing myself for the life-changing experience of motherhood.

Brian and I have reached this strange crossroads in life because we’re not sure what we want anymore. The initial dream of seeing the world has been fulfilled. The next dreams of book and baby are in the works. We talk about what we want for the future. But it’s so hard to make plans when we know that the experience of becoming parents will certainly change things for us.

We know for sure that our time in Ohio is temporary. But what comes after? We toss around ideas: A cross-country move back to Oregon, spending a year or two in a campervan, hopping the next flight to Thailand. They’re all options. And we don’t know which one we want, or if we want any of them, or a combination of them, or some other thing that hasn’t revealed itself yet. And of course we have this new little soul to consider now. What will she be like? What will she love? What will she want and need out of life?

It’s been a year of waiting. Waiting for the baby. Waiting for news on the book. Waiting to see how our life takes shape as those dreams from Mexico make their way into the world.

We’re getting closer…

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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }

Hannah @GettingStamped August 30, 2015 at 5:43 pm

I vote for camper-vanning around or running to Thailand!! Congrats to you and Brian, and I am sure she we inherit the travel blog.
Hannah @GettingStamped recently posted..10 Places That Should Be On Every RTW Itinerary

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:40 am

Ah, it’s weird to think that this blog will be around for her to read one day… what a crazy world 🙂

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Carmel August 30, 2015 at 6:28 pm

It’s funny how often we are tracking with each other. I have been thinking about this too and it just feels so damn hard to even think about the future, mostly because I have no idea how this kid is going to change our lives. I can come up with a million cool ideas, but as far as actually creating a plan? Forget about it. I have started and stopped my own post about it, too. Maybe it’s time to just write it out and let it go.

Oh my gosh…2 weeks!! It feels like only weeks ago you revealed your little secret. Although it probably feels like a lifetime ago. 😉 Good luck my dear!
Carmel recently posted..BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, AND CHANGES

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:42 am

It’s true, right? Brian and I think of all the options and we usually just end the conversation by throwing up our hands and saying, “Well, we just have to wait and see.” Patience is not my virtue but I am being forced to learn this year that I need to let things unfold as they may. I hate it, but I’m learning.

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Sarah (Jetsetting Fools) August 30, 2015 at 6:34 pm

That’s what we like to call the Non-plan Plan! Life is an adventure no matter where you are ~ thanks for letting us follow along on yours 😉
Sarah (Jetsetting Fools) recently posted..Parliament and a Politician Pub Crawl – Melbourne

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:42 am

I like it. The Non-Plan Plan. That’s definitely what we’re following at the moment!

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Holly August 30, 2015 at 6:44 pm

Sooooo very excited for you and equally thrilled to see a new blog post! I love how you acknowledge the unknown and are okay letting it unfold. My fave part of this post is when you wonder, “What will she love?”
Beautiful.
Holly recently posted..please stay

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:43 am

I just can’t wait to meet her and find out who she is!!

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Mike August 30, 2015 at 7:38 pm

Anne and I are so stoked for you guys!!! I can’t believe how time has flown since we were hanging out in Mexico. WOW. So proud of all you have accomplished Kim…and I am sure wherever you guys land (if you “land” anywhere that is), you will be met with open arms and awesome people.

We are at a very…eerily similar crossroads in our lives (only thing missing is the bump)….but we are thinking about Seattle vs. camper van vs. SE Asia….eery!

Looking forward to seeing your smiling baby girl, and hanging out again soon,
Mike
Mike recently posted..The Adventure Capital of Ecuador: Baños

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:44 am

Can’t wait to see what you guys decide, Mike. And it sounds like our paths could definitely cross in the future. It’s funny that we’re contemplating the same moves… they’re all good choices, right?

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Trish August 30, 2015 at 8:29 pm

Oh Kim, I feel so kindred to you. Especially about figuring out what is next. We did the same, came home to what was comfortable and had our daughter. We are now plotting our next move too. I’m glad you didn’t blog every detail of the pregnancy. That is special stuff for you and your little tribe. I hope you do announce her birth when you are ready. I’ll be happy to read about as much as you want to share. 🙂

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:45 am

I will definitely announce her birth. I can’t wait to introduce her to the world 🙂

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Caitlin August 30, 2015 at 8:31 pm

Love this. Love you and Brian. You two are amazing adventurers, and this will be no different! All this love and support, you are bringing a daughter into a hopeful place. I’m always here for you two no matter what. Can’t wait to meet the newest member of the family! Love you all – call, text, email! See you soon!

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:46 am

Love you too Cait and I love knowing that my daughter gets to come into this world with you ladies (and your daughters) in it. She is lucky. I already dream about all of the trips and adventures we’ll have with them 🙂

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Robyn August 30, 2015 at 10:53 pm

Congratulations Kim! You have experienced so much and you and Brian will have a baby in a matter of days. So many wonderful discoveries and adventures await you – in so many places. All the best to you and Brian and baby, as you plan your next adventure.

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:47 am

Thank you Robyn… we’re looking forward to it all.

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Jalan2Liburan August 31, 2015 at 1:00 am

Congratulationsssss, so happy for you
Jalan2Liburan recently posted..Wine Tasting During Sunset in Santorini

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:47 am

🙂 Thanks!

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Adena August 31, 2015 at 4:54 am

Waiting…then just allowing things to unfold. Your daughter will bring you so much! Iah has certainly made me inspired for adventures. Though now our life is so different everyday is one. Hoping for more sleep so I can enjoy it more haha. So excited for you!!

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:47 am

I love that Iah has made you inspired for adventures. That makes me SO happy to hear. I hope sleep finds you soon. I am really dreading those sleepless nights…

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Ali August 31, 2015 at 6:10 am

I think selfishly all of your readers would love to see you continue to travel the world in some form or another. But you and Brian have to figure out what’s right for you and the baby, and unfortunately there’s no way to know what works and what feels right until after she’s here for a little while. And probably not until you try a few things and see how it goes. As you know, no decision is completely permanent (well, except for that baby one…) so you can always decide “let’s go back to Oregon” and change your minds later, or “let’s go to Thailand with the baby for a few months” and switch gears completely afterwards. You’ve already proved to yourself that you can make your life whatever you want it to be, and that there are far fewer limitations than you were ever led to believe.

Also, I hope we hear good news about your book soon! I want to read it!
Ali recently posted..How to Pick the Perfect Food Tour

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:30 pm

Exactly, nothing is permanent (except the baby!). It’s just so weird to not really know what we want to do… I’ve always been so certain. But, maybe it will take a little trial and error to figure it out. I’m okay with that.

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Andi August 31, 2015 at 8:01 am

I wish you and the baby the safest of deliveries! Cherish every second after she comes into this world. That moment is the most life changing moment you could ever experience. You are about to feel a love that you could never ever imagine. CONGRATS!

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:31 pm

Thank you Andi. I just can’t wait to see her face for the first time. It’s going to be amazing 🙂

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Ashley August 31, 2015 at 8:16 am

I’m so excited for you & Brian! I can’t wait to meet the newest member of your family. And of course whatever route you take, I can’t wait to hear about that adventure as well. Even though I’d vote for RV’ing or Thailand. 🙂 Actually my wife & I are going to hit the RV show at the PDX Expo Center in a few weeks to take a peek at what options are out there… 🙂 Even though we’re supposed to be “put” in PDX right now. Who knows what will happen…
Ashley recently posted..Oasis in the Desert

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:32 pm

Uh oh, that’s where it starts 😉 Brian sends me links to campervans all day long… I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he comes home from work driving one.

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Rhonda August 31, 2015 at 8:31 am

🙂 So-Many-Places, and now so-many-decisions:) I’m sure that things will evolve and work out as they always do, as they’re meant to. I am not at all surprised you chose to reflect inwards during these last months, rather than projecting outwards as is the norm. We are both (gasp) old enough to remember a world before social media tracked EVERY SINGLE MOMENT in a persons life… instgram lunch, tweet bathroom breaks, blog about the weekend…. it’s a very different world than a mere decade ago, when a perspective mother could actually simply nest and try to take in the concept of a life growing inside. Whatever route you guys choose, I can’t wait to follow along. I’m sad that if Oregon wins out, most likely we’ll be gone before you arrive, but never fear… our paths will cross again somewhere out on the road! Thinking of you guys in this next couple of weeks… wow..you’re having a BABY!
Rhonda recently posted..Finding Balance

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:35 pm

It’s pretty intimidating bringing a kid into this social media-driven world… she will have a very different childhood than the one that I had… I’m sure it will be a hard road to navigate, but taking a step back these past nine months has made me realize how important it is to disconnect for periods of time.

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Pauline August 31, 2015 at 2:18 pm

Kim, it’s so great to hear from you and to know that you are doing well. All the best for the next 2 weeks and I hope you will introduce the little one to us here on the interweb 🙂 (though I understand if you don’t).
Pauline recently posted..5 Lessons from the Camino

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:36 pm

I will definitely introduce our new addition on the interwebs. It’s a blog post I can’t wait to write 🙂

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Bonnie August 31, 2015 at 5:16 pm

Congratulations!!! I’ve missed your blog but I’m glad to know you’re preoccupied with exciting things 🙂
Bonnie recently posted..Bats, Bamboo Trains, and a Phone Call in Battambang

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Kim August 31, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Thanks Bonnie!

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Rika | Cubicle Throwdown September 1, 2015 at 3:29 pm

What a lot of changes!! Very exciting. I’m looking forward to seeing where all three of you end up 🙂
Rika | Cubicle Throwdown recently posted..Spotlight: Hostel La Vista – My Favorite Hostel in San Pedro, Belize

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Kim September 3, 2015 at 12:33 pm

Thanks Rika, so am I 🙂

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galen September 2, 2015 at 9:56 am

Kim, so many wonderful messages of love and support for your family.

And I agree: while we’ve missed your blogs, it’s been special to know that you have been centered on yourself and your wee one.

Remember: those pants you wore in Mexico WILL fit again and by then you’ll be holding a precious daughter. One step at a time…. galen

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Kim September 3, 2015 at 12:34 pm

Galen, is that a promise? 😉

No, you’re right. I know the pants will fit again (or, at least, I hope they will) and when they do my daughter will be here to witness it. Worth it!

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Sarah September 9, 2015 at 6:36 pm

Sending you both so-many-blessings in this final leg of the waiting game! Soon, your life will be filled with another human. How exciting xxx
Sarah recently posted..Blessed by Bali

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