Traveling Couples: When One Wants It More
Kim’s note: Anybody in a long-term relationship knows that relationships, even happy ones, are tough work. When two people set out to build a life together they take an extrodinary leap of faith. The truth is, we can never really know what tomorrow will bring.
If you read this blog regularly it probably isn’t much of a surprise to hear that this quitting-our-jobs-and-traveling thing is my dream. A few readers have asked to hear Brian’s point of view. Specifically, how hard was it for him to get on board with this drastic change of lifestyle when it wasn’t exactly what he signed up for?
So, this post is written by Brian. Enjoy.
Coming to terms with a huge life change
A few people have asked how I feel about our decision to quit our jobs and travel the world. I have thought about that question a lot and figure that there are probably quite a few people who are in the same or similar situations. I thought I would share my thoughts and the process I went through and am still going through.
First thing’s first – It wasn’t like Kim had to talk me into traveling. I have always wanted to travel. Road trips around the U.S. and Canada, hiking the Appalachian Trail (or Pacific Crest Trail), a 3-month tour of western Europe, etc. was what I had planned. Other than that it was 2-4 week vacations every year or two after that until retirement. But quitting our jobs and traveling the world? That was a whole different level that I wasn’t prepared for.
For those of you that don’t know me, I am drawn to the natural world and continuously amazed by it. I see a tree growing over a boulder and I am awed by the adaptability of the tree. Mountain lions evolved to have their canine teeth spaced the exact same distance as the distance between an elk’s vertebrae – this amazes me to no end.
So naturally I would seek out a profession that allows me to continue to explore the natural world, right? Right. I spent my first year of college at West Virginia University studying to become a park ranger. I quit after one year. Here is what I told myself: I didn’t really want to be a park ranger; That being a naturalist is a great hobby, but not something to make a living at. Here is the truth: it was the first time I stepped outside of my comfort zone and it scared me so much that after one year I left WVU and transferred to Ohio University to live in the same building as my best friend and become a political science major. My point: new and challenging things are not exactly my forte. I prefer gradual change. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Fast forward 12 years
Kim and I are married, we have good jobs, own our house, etc. We talk about traveling the world, but in the way you talk about big plans that you never expect to come true. Like, “Let’s move to France and start a vineyard” or “How cool would it be to start an octopus farm?”
But, as most things go, the more you talk about something, the more it becomes reality. Our discussions gradually moved from the ever-distant “one day” to the ominous “when.”
That was when I realized Kim was serious. I was still in the octopus farm stage while she was developing a savings plan spreadsheet, creating packing lists, and researching the best three-day stops on the Trans Siberian railroad.
For a little while, I really didn’t know what to do. Part of me was excited for the adventure. Part of me felt like I had misled my wife. Part of me thought our plans were to start a family. Part of me was concerned about how to care for and protect my wife in places I’d never even imagined visiting. Part of me really wanted a drink.
To say I was conflicted would be an understatement
So what did I do? For a while I simply ignored it. As any procrastinator or avoider can tell you, this does not help anything. After a while I realized this was a pattern in my life – when confronted with a difficult situation, I shied away from the problem in the hope that it would go away. But this was different. I couldn’t ignore this. This wasn’t just my problem or my issue – it was Kim’s dream.
What could I do? The way I saw it, I had two options: crush my wife’s dreams and tell her that I didn’t want to do it or swallow my own fears and reservations and help her live her dream.
Well, as you know by now, I chose option number 2. Why did I choose this? Of course I am excited for the adventure and seeing the world and I know that this is a once in a lifetime thing that I will never have the chance to do again. But I didn’t make my decision based on me or what I want. More than anything else, I made the decision to help Kim live out her dream because I believe in her.
You see, I made the decision to not follow what I truly wanted to do in this life. I let my dream of becoming a park ranger slip though my fingers because I couldn’t overcome my personal obstacles. I am not going to let the same thing stop Kim’s dream.
I have not yet found what can replace my old dream, but I am still looking. I’m not giving up and I know one day I will find it. Right now it’s about doing everything I can to support Kim’s dream.
Kim knows what she wants to do in life and what she was put here for. Who am I to stop that? She is not only willingly giving up a comfortable life to pursue what she truly wants to do, but she’s also pushing her husband to do it with her. I know I have, no I want, to help her achieve this. I have to help her overcome obstacles, not put more in the way.
Now, I can’t say that I have completely come to terms with quitting our jobs and being a citizen of the world for god knows how long. That day probably won’t arrive until we are already on the road. For now, it’s about preparing for that time. Once we leave? Who knows what will happen?
That’s the terrifyingly exciting part.
We're Kim and Brian and we have one goal: Sell our stuff, quit our jobs, and crawl (claw?) our way out of our cubicles to travel the world. 
When I first brought up the quit-our-jobs-sell-the-house-travel-the-world idea to Jason he was not all over it like I thought he would be. I did some serious thinking about what it would mean if he said no; how important was this to me? Could I do it alone? Did I want to? I never had to answer my darkest questions. I, like Kim, am lucky to have a partner who loves me and wants to see my dreams come true as much as his own. You are brave Brian to share your story with us. Many couples face the same story and it’s stories like this that will help them, too, overcome their fear and step out. Thank you.
You sound like a great husband! She wouldn’t ask you to take the trip if she didn’t think you could handle it & from your own description it sounds like you need something challenging, a big change to push you. This trip will be huge for you both, good luck!!
Interesting to hear your thought process. Very honest and well said.
Great post man! Always awesome to see the true emotions that go through all of our heads.
Great piece! Good for your both and best wishes on your adventure.
All I can say is, Kim is one lucky woman! It’s so great that you are setting aside (or at least trying to get over) your fears in order to support her in her dreams. That is amazing. And good on you for being so honest about it! I often wonder about traveling couples, and if one of the pair is perhaps more “into it” than the other. So thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Amanda. I know I’m lucky!! I wonder about traveling couples as well because it just seems so lucky if a couple really has the same dreams and passions. Like, how is that even possible? I think there is always someone who is more “into it.” Or at least, obviously, that’s the truth in our case. I’d love to hear from other traveling couples as well….
This made me so incredibly weepy. The last 2 paragraphs got me!
Shaun is putting out a similar post this next week. I think that is why this post caught me off guard and made me weep like a baby. Best wishes guys! I know you will work through this.
Wow, you are such an awesome husband, Brian. I truly admire your willingness to sacrifice your personal comfort in order to support Kim in her dreams. Personally, I think long-term, long-distance travel is amazing. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it — for me, at least. My hope is that you will end up feeling the same way. Maybe it will even push you past your comfort zone so that you can then go on to pursue your own dreams, whatever they may be. God be with you both!
I love this post. Brian, you’re such a wonderful and supportive husbad. You two sound perfect for each other.
I feel your pain Brian, its hard to let go of your “American Dream” and move into a new way of looking at life and redefining your vision of success. My bet is you will become more comfortable with time. If not you can always come back and go back to “normal” life.
We are also leaving on 11-11-11 for a 3 year trip RTW and I’m writing on these same topics it seems. Good luck to you both!
I’m going through a situation that isn’t as drastic, but similar. I am in a domestic partnership in Spain with my longterm-boyfriend who is in the military. The plan was to finish up his time in the air force in Seville, the city I can call my home, and then move to Madrid in five years. I felt ok with the plan, even though I have finally found a steady job, work papers and a group of friends in Seville. Now he’s up for a job in a small town in Germany, and while the advantages outweigh the positives, the fact that it’s long-term scares me. Loved your post and hearing the other side of the story.
Brian – You rock.
I think you hit that nail on the head. Relationships are give and take, and while you are being supportive of Kim’s dreams, she is also (I am sure) supportive of your fears and helping to ease those.
There are a few posts on my blog, but long story short, I know where you are at. My wife, after a 6-8 month go-round with her company, was offered (and accepted) a promotion and transfer from CA to NY. I have always been adventurous, however, I was moving to NY to support her career. The problem? I don’t have a job now. I love it, but it scares me. I feel like I am not contributing to the household, but I know that I am being supportive of my wife, while she is comforting my ambitions to (now) do remote consulting and online-based business a little more.
Thank you for sharing your side of the story, its nice to see others in the same position.
Cool to hear your perspective. I bet once it’s over, you’ll end up wondering why you ever doubted the idea.
Thanks everyone for your kind words & support. This was a somewhat difficult story to write (as you as can possibly tell from my silence up to this point on the site) because I am a pretty reserved person and don’t let my thoughts, feeling, etc. hang out there for the world to read.
It’s good to hear that I am not the only one who has some trepidation with how this in going to play out. But I am doing my best to take a positive approach to this and use it as an opportunity for me to grow, as much as it is living Kim’s dream.
I really was struck by how important it is to you that Kim fulfill her dreams. That is love! I commend you for it and wish you both the best as you begin your journey!
Brian,
You made me cry! As a married couple we like to think we keep each other safe from making bad decisions. When you know it’s not bad, just scary then really all you can do is be supportive and take the leap of faith. Thanks for sharing and it’s good to see other’s responses too. I’ve just taken my leap of faith with Jacob’s dream this week.
Jo- what is it??!?! We need to talk soon!
Great post giving the other perspective, often forgotten. Ours isn’t a story of travelling but moving to live in another country – my husband’s dream. Different circumstances, similar thoughts.
You won’t regret it, Brian!
Wow. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I welled up a bit on this too.
Brian – you are an amazing husband, and it will be very exciting for us all to hear about your impressions as you embark on your trip. There is no doubt in my mind at least that after a short while, you will be very grateful to Kim for initiating this! You are about to set out on the time of your lives!
Congrats guys – and I really look forward to reading more!
You sounds like a wonderful husband! It’s really interesting to hear your perspective because I think even though travel can be a shared dream one of the couple tends to always be the more driven to achieve it. I told my partner before we were even together that I would be travelling for as long as I could. He’s always known that and that to be with me he would need to ctach the travel bug too. Luckily, he did!
I absolutely LOVE this post. Thanks for sharing your perspective, Brian. I can totally relate to you. I’d say that many couples goes through this same dilemma in some form or another. (Unless you’re a carbon copy of your partner, which sounds boring to me.) If you support and follow in each others dreams, then you’ll both be richer as a result. Believe me, I know!
Awesome post Brian and thanks for your honesty. I think a lot of us bailed out at one point or other on pursuing what we really wanted and instead opted to follow the predictable an safe paths. I know I did. I wanted to be creative and instead find myself typing lines of code all day long!
Who knows, maybe you’ll pick up on your dream of being a naturalist when you get back from your travels or perhaps you can use those skills to comment on the wonders you’ll see during your trip. You would undoubtedly see things in ways the rest of us would not.
Loved this! I can relate. It motivated me even more to not give up on my dreams and more importantly to begin to live my life the way I want to and not how I should. Move beyond the comfort zone and grow.
I am looking forward to seeing your RTW adventure and “traveling” with you guys!
Thanks Amy… and we’re looking forward to following you and your Brian around the world someday too
Wow – its so great to read things from your husbands point of view! I too have this dream, but also being in a committed relationship means you can’t just up and go.
I really wish you both the best on your adventures – I have no doubt they’ll be a success!
Hi Nicole, and thank you!
Good job bro! Wishing you both the best.
So sad that you write that you’ll “never have the chance to do this again.” Has this whole process taught you nothing??
Of course you can do this again. If you like it, you can do it as often as you want. There are no limitations other than those you impose on yourself. (And maybe you’d have to work as you went around the world or find other creative ways around financial issues.)
What a great, honest post! You’ve got one hell of a husband there Kim!
Most couples have different ideas of what their dreams are, but it’s a strong couple that helps each other achieve their individual dreams.
Hi Rebecca, don’t I know it! I feel very lucky
Brian, Kim is lucky to have you. It’s such a gift that you will be able to have this new life together and a new way to explore what your own dream is. I wish you so much success and happiness in your travels.
What an absolutely beautiful post. Thank you, Brian for sharing what are obviously deep and personal feelings.
Change is never easy… whether it’s your choice or something the universe thrusts upon you.
“But, as most things go, the more you talk about something, the more it becomes reality. Our discussions gradually moved from the ever-distant ‘one day’ to the ominous ‘when.’”
I love this bit… it’s so apt and so true. And exactly why talking about, dreaming with, and visualizing are such wonderful tools for managing change. We begin to see possibility where we once only dreamt.
Maybe you can take this idea and grow a career, passion or long-held dream and create a new reality for yourself.