10 Reasons I Won’t Miss My Cubicle
There are many things I will miss about my current life after I quit my job to travel, but my cubicle isn’t one of them. I am so ready to be done working in a cubicle farm. It isn’t natural! Cowboy, take me away from ergonomical assessments, staff meetings and in-and-out boards.
Without further ado, I present to you:
The Top 10 Reasons I Won’t Miss My Cubicle
1. Office Euphemisms
My mom used to have this really weird pet peeve in which she would absolutely lose it if “her” scissors weren’t returned to their home in the junk drawer promptly after use.
I’ve got the same psychotic pet peeve about office euphemisms. For some reason, anytime anyone uses the term touch base, run it up the ladder, or the absolute worst, parking lot of ideas it takes every once of my willpower not to go apeshit.
In the building I work in, I need my personnel badge to click me in the front door, click me through the security bars, click me into the wing of my department and click me into the lunch room. The way I’m attached to that thing, you’d think it was my oxygen tank. Even during my half-an-hour-of-freedom lunchtime walk my badge slaps against my leg, reminding me who’s really in charge.
3. Staff Parties and Other Moral Boosters
I know they’re supposed to be fun but staff parties and moral boosters are just awkward. At my current place of employement I’ve participated in a kickball game, putt-putt golf tournament, a wiener dog balloon animal competition, and numerous baby showers and holiday parties. Believe it or not, boss, I can’t really get into party mode without a drink in my hand. And, yes, it actually is a huge pain in my butt to bake homemade cupcakes for the potluck tomorrow.
4. 2 Weeks of Vacation
This one speaks for itself, but may I just rant for the 8,442 time about how inhumane it is to provide a mere two weeks of vacation time to employees?
5. A Dictated Schedule
I hate knowing that rain or shine and barring an 8.5 earthquake I know exactly where I will be Monday through Friday from 7 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. A dictated schedule takes the spontaneity out of life.
6. Having a Boss
Every time I sit down to talk with my boss I feel like I’m in the principals office. I’ve never gotten used to hearing someone else talk about me like they own me, commenting on the time I have available to work on a certain project, or the amount of work I have on my plate (another horrible office euphemism). I mean, can’t I determine for myself how busy I am and how much work I’m able to take on?
7. Annual Reviews
I’ve always received good marks but I’m perpetually convinced that I’m under-performing miserably. The days leading up to my annual review are torturous. And based on the seriousness of the review you’d think that we were discussing how many lives I have saved, not whether or not I’d met my goal of publishing 8-10 articles in the employee newsletter.
8. Technical Difficulties
Isn’t it amazing that anytime you need to set up a webcast, give a powerpoint presentation or show a video at a meeting the projector won’t sync with the laptop, the Internet won’t connect or the speakers won’t… speak? There is nothing that gets me sweating faster than trying to figure out why I can’t log on to my computer while twenty people stare at me and take not-so-discreet glances at their watches.
9. Awkward Elevator Conversations
I work on the 14th floor of a 15-story building so I’m closely acquainted with the elevator. The elevator is such a strange social experience. I find myself either standing shoulder to shoulder with someone and completely ignoring that they’re there or I’ll attempt small talk, even a little humor, and just as the conversation starts rolling the elevator doors open, my new acquaintance exits, and I clunkily end the conversation alone in my moving box.
10. Time vs. Production
Let’s be honest. I can get the same amount of work done in six hours as I can in nine, yet because production and efficiency are not as valued as “putting in your time,” I’m cubical bound for nine hours a day whether I need to be or not. I spend over half of my waking life in my cage cubicle, sprinting outside on my lunch break for a half an hour of sunshine, and then sprinting back to my desk to put in the mandatory 40+ hours. I spend more time with my coworkers than I do my husband, my family and my friends. What’s wrong with this picture?